I saw this experience as an opportunity to practice being clear and open. Now here was a man I could potentially love and be in relationship with. It’s likely all my ideas about a possible relationship were assumptions and projections spun from my own desires and fantasies.I asked him: He was unclear and cloudy but with just enough encouragement to keep me engaged. Yet this man played a part—he intimated and suggested that he was interested. All of my desires and longings rose up and poured into those kisses. No amount of wanting it to be different could change what was.

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After all, it seems I keep getting exactly what I ask for. I learned that I also have to expect that of the person I am engaging with. I can’t hold myself to one standard and be forgiving, understanding, appeasing and accommodating when the other doesn’t respond in kind.

I have high standards of my own behaviour and my own ability to grow and respond.

It’s been a learning curve for me—once upon a time, I didn’t even know what was really thinking and feeling, let alone how to communicate that with others. I was getting good at this clear communication gig. It seemed a clear signal that he was interested in pursing something. I noted too that even though I was working on honest, clear communication I was still choosing written methods rather than picking up the phone and just talking to this man. How do I make the leap from this kind of experience to intimacy with an emotionally available person? Relationships still seem to be the main way I learn about myself and how I relate to the world and other people. How else do we learn to relate, but in relationships?

Now I’ve gotten better at figuring out my own feelings and thoughts, and I’m learning how to communicate them to the people I’m relating with. Since ceasing all communication except to respond, nothing has happened.

I received a short facebook message applauding my writing and ignoring the content. Yet I also felt proud of myself for being heart-open and clear all the way through. We’re given the opportunity to grow and change, until one day, that pattern doesn’t even arise.

I sat in the unknown, staying open and present, seeing what might arise. It felt like the beginning of something that could be incredible and I was excited, nervous, vulnerable and open. Continuing with my practice of clear and heart-felt communication, I sent a text sharing how I felt. A few days later, I wrote an email, detailing it out. I felt like a fool because I’d ignored key clues in the first week or so as to the availability and nature of this man. We’re given the opportunity to see what this pattern is and choose how to respond to it.

Those kisses at the wedding had blown me open and I could feel the tenderness of my exposed heart. I even let him know, straight up and honest, what I was feeling. He texted back: He lived four hours from me and we’d already planned to spend the next weekend together. Everything I suspected could be there, —we were connected on so many levels and in so many ways. He’d reached out to engage me, and hook me in, but once I was there, drew back and disappeared. The heart-break only lasted two days instead of two weeks. Only back then, I held tightly to my dream of connected, heart-centred relationship and I’d pushed to make it so. The same patterns present themselves again and again and again.

I felt shaky and freaked out and desperately wanted to grab out for something and hold on tight. All that potential and possibility, crushed by the reality of the situation. It was but a three or four week blip, yet the feelings were as intense as if it had been a three year relationship—just condensed into a smaller time frame. Once upon a time, I’d experienced this same kind of intense connection and ultimate unavailability.

In the meantime, I’ve unhooked, let go and gotten clear, once again, always again, about what it is I want to experience.