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In marriage, partners are operating from their “sexual scripts,” says Slowinski — a term he uses to describe the sum total of a person’s attitudes about sex and experiences with sexuality, including messages he or she received from family and society.
(And including what he or she expects married sex to be like.) But these two “scripts” can be very different, and to work, the couple needs to blend them to create one together.
Communication is vital to make this happen and to avoid feelings of anger or resentment when attitudes aren’t in sync. “If you’re inhibited talking about the nitty-gritty, try talking about the theoretical instead, your expectations and desires and dreams,” says Robboy.
And when it isn’t that time, you can keep the ‘erotic pot’ bubbling by talking, touching, teasing, making little promises.
These things are playful and still sexual, so you’re turning each other on for when you do have time.” Or simply intend on sex without literally “planning,” says Alex Caroline Robboy, founder and CEO of Sex Therapy in Philadelphia, a sex counseling and education center.
If you make sex a priority before you’re married, you’ll have better chances of avoiding a post-marriage rut.
Robboy suggests that you talk about sex with as much respect as you talk about other pre-marital concerns — parenting, home-ownership, financial strategies — and not just when things aren’t going well.
So, to keep your married sex life spicy, we turned to Philly sexperts to find out how to keep things smokin’ hot — long after the honeymoon is over. The thinking goes that the first-year whirlwind of newlywed bliss, “room-christening” and new flatware will quickly be replaced by … “Modern life conspires against our sex lives,” says Dr.
Don’t count on spontaneity (at least not after the first year). Julian Slowinski, clinical psychologist at Pennsylvania Hospital and author of The Good Sex Guide (Barnes & Noble Books, 2005).
Maybe you’ve heard the pessimistic adage: Put a penny in a jar every time you have sex the first year of marriage. Agrees Jen, 32, of Long Beach Island, “Between remodeling our new house, both of us working like maniacs, and visiting with friends and family, there was a while when neither of us had the energy left to put into our sex life — never mind the time.” And never mind the pressure for sex to just happen spontaneously when up against those obligations.
Suggests Slowinski: “Sometimes you have to just plan a time to have sex.
But, weirdly enough, sex is the one ingredient that isn’t out in the wedding-planning open.
It’s the If only there were some kind of Sex Registry.
You know, some online or in-store service where marrieds-to-be could ensure — just as they do with, say, their place settings — that their married sex lives would be new, exciting and open to discussion. The only to-do not listed on any planning spreadsheets or within any cutesy kits.