We will take a clear-eyed look at that question, and maybe we will find that the truth has some redeeming qualities. They don't proceed in a politically correct, enlightened way to select a woman. Evolution wants the mating process to succeed, and so it makes sure that men home in on that which will be conducive to success, regardless of how unrefined this strategy may be. "Well, it's because the genes that triggered that kind of behaviour had the best chance of survival down through the ages, until all the men who were left had those genes." In other words, an obsession with reproduction leads to a better reproductive score . Right online.) Now let us ask, what are men looking for? If you're feeling cynical, your answer may be, "Cameron Diaz." Or if you happen to look like Cameron Diaz, your equally discouraged answer may be "Kiera Knightly." But this is so wrong it is laughable. A face that strikes one man as masculine may seem feminine to another. Men -- regardless of their conscious attitude to having kids--are designed to look for good reproducers; a low waist-to-hip ratio of around .70 signifies "likely to be a success at bearing children." (Larger waists relative to the hips have been linked to lower estrogen levels, less body fat available to sustain pregnancy and lower fertility.) And in both sexes, facial beauty is associated with grace, intelligence, popularity and, in general, fitness for survival.

Let me say at the start, I don't mean to imply that men get to do the choosing.

It isn't like a vegetable stand, where a man can say, "I'll take this onion here, not these others," and the onion has nothing to say about it. I knew a guy who got very turned on by a woman's handshake, if it was "as strong as a man's." His friends told him he was in the closet, but he stuck to his guns. Surely the cultured, educated, spiritual (yet masculine) man of your dreams doesn't look only at the outside of a woman.

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With certain people, something about the face feels familiar, even familial. On some level, quite possibly unconscious, he (or his genes) are trying to decide, could this person be a lover or is she just a potential friend?

Many people strike us as somehow alien; but some faces arouse in us a strange empathy from the first time we set eyes on them. If the answer comes up "lover," his charm will probably kick in, and there will be a lot of twinkling eyes and banter and smiling (read: spreading of plumage) that might not take place if his circuits decided on "friend." And how is the decision made?

(Okay, "think" is a bit of a stretch.) If you try to change men or just don't get them, you'll be stymied -- but if you accept how they are and forgive them and work with them, you will have enormous power and effectiveness. Well, the good news is, it means completely different things to different men -- but it almost always involves a combination of face, and body shape and size. Many men in our culture like slender, athletic female figures -- some men really do, and some say they do, because they are ashamed of admitting anything else to their male peer group. But many men in our culture do not want a slender woman: they want someone with riper curves, someone who is larger, more "Rubenesque." Some men like pear-shaped women; some men like inverted pears. And some men don't really care that much about body size or shape. Ralph may hate a lot of makeup on a woman, while Shawn considers it a turn-on. Even in the realm of extremely good-looking celebrities, you will find a whole gamut of opinions. (Fortunately, many of them don't toe the evolutionary line anyway--apparently their wiring has come loose.) Take faces, for example.

It's clear that we read far more in a face than looks. We look into the eyes of the person we are talking to, and we feel as if we can tell who they are, deep down -- what they value, what they love.

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